A marriage made in heaven! Why being single at 30 forced me to get engagement photos with my cat

I recently got engaged to my cat and organised photos to mark the momentous occasion. It’s not as creepy as it sounds.

News.com reports that as a 30-year-old man, I am getting to the point in my life when everyone my age is signing mortgages, getting married and having babies.

My journey is slightly different with a rental house of dubious quality, relationships limited to promiscuous Tinder encounters and the only bottle feeding in my life being the one fuelling my borderline alcoholism. To say I am struggling to grasp the concept of leading the life of a functioning adult would be an understatement.

My failed attempts to act as a grown-up are frequently highlighted by the fact I have zero savings in my bank account, a dating reputation that precedes me and familiarity with the daunting 48 hour wait to get the all clear from an STI test.

I’m not saying eating nothing but oats for the past three days of the pay cycle isn’t worth making it rain during the weeks prior, but I feel the constant judgment from my conforming peers.

My shortcomings of adult life are only exacerbated by the constant barrage of posts I am subject to every time I log into any of my social media accounts. It appears everyone I know is celebrating engagements, weddings and their spawn with countless pictures - each only vaguely different from the last.

At first it’s a novelty, learning the drunkard mate I have seen wrestle baby goats after doing too many shots of tequila is now having a baby. And then it is cool to see said baby surface on social media again, because you know your degenerate friend is somehow managing to keep their child alive.

This sense of pride is quickly replaced by that of drowning when I try to navigate the sea of baby/wedding/engagement photos from everyone I have ever met. It does get me wondering from time to time.

Maybe my loathing of these posts is misguided and I should be actively working to share in these moments too? Only, by the time I manage to find the woman of my dreams, I will be arriving at the party later than a trend in Queensland.

Determined not to miss out on the fun, I decided to pop the question to a very special woman who has shared my bed on and off for the past three years - my cat, Willow. If my real estate agent is reading this, she definitely lives at my parents’ house.

I know I can’t legit get engaged to my cat because that would be pretty creepy and would probably break a number of laws, but that doesn’t stop me from getting engagement photos with her. To save the awkward conversation that would most definitely ensue after telling a glamour photo studio I want engagement pictures with my cat, I opted for a professional pet photographer.

If anyone would understand the bizarre nature of my cause, it would have to be them. When I was preparing for my romantic moment, I picked out my finest shirt and blazer. It was fitting because I had worn this outfit to so many of my friends’ weddings in which they got free gifts, speeches and a party to celebrate their most precious of days.

Thinking of this only vindicated my choice; it makes me sad to miss out on a celebration because I’ve chosen the path less travelled.

I put Willow in her cat carrier and off we headed to Fuzzy Beast Studio for the photo shoot. When I pulled her out of the cab, I noticed the excitement was too much and she had left me a surprise to clean from inside her cage - we weren’t even married yet and I was already giving her the shits.

The photo shoot went superbly well, with the photographers saying Willow was the best behaved and most chilled cat they had ever shot. At first we opted for traditional couple photos, but seeing people get much more creative with their pics these days, I decided to mix things up.

With a lifelong appreciation for hip hop and an uncanny ability to freestyle rap, a bling photo was obviously a must.

Like all those that came before me, I decided to share my engagement on social media to bask in the feel-good metric of “likes” and “comments” from my closest friends and family.

The news of my engagement received mixed results, although most were supportive. “That is such a cute photo of both of you, Matty,” wrote one user.

"That’s great,” added another. However, there were those who highlighted my cat’s inability to properly agree to such an arrangement. “She didn’t have a choice the poor love,” wrote one user.

“Willow looks like she’s ready to file a divorce already,” added another. And then there were those who were a lot more to the point.

My vows to willow

With the encouragement and acceptance of most of my peers, I feel ready to send out wedding invitations to get ready for the next part of my life. To prepare, I have already started writing my vows for the big day.

“Dearest Willow,

In a lot of ways you are like most of the women in the world - sporadic with your affection, a constant nagger and you possess the desire to make me work endlessly for your approval. Just joking, you are a majestic creature and I love you with all of my heart.

I love how you don’t require the same attention as a dog, your ability to bath yourself and the fact you bury your poo somewhere so I don’t have to clean it. I promise to love you, cherish you and stand by you, no matter how often you sit on my laptop when I am trying to work or relentlessly meow in the early hours of the morning.

You are my number one girl and I think we make the purrfect couple. I thank you for everything you have given me and for all that is to come.”

Send messages of support/hate, date requests/restraining orders or cat pictures to Matthew Dunn on Facebook or Twitter.